Philautia - Self Love
by Flakeblood
Summary: Philautia means "self love." To love yourself or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage" has both been divided into positive and negative: the unhealthy version is self-obsessed love, and the other is the concept of "self-compassion". Ventus and Vanitas meet again after over eleven years apart, and Ventus gains some insight.


Ah, the series where one character can technically be two different characters. x3 Convenient.

* * *

Opening his eyes is… odd. Refreshing. Exhilarating. Terrifying. For the first time in over 11 years, Ventus is looking out through his own eyes.

And the first person he sees is Vanitas.

A shock runs through him, making his heart beat frantically. The last time he'd seen Vanitas, the other half of his heart, they had fought over possession of his body. Seeing him standing there, in the sunlight of the hall of his home, physically before him, scares Ventus.

Aqua is present, and so are three semi-familiar strangers, but Aqua looks like she's been fighting, breaths heavy and not-yet-healed scrapes on her skin, lying on the floor. The strangers look a bit desperate, but unhurt yet. There's some sort of barrier blocking them from getting right up to the masters' thrones, where Ventus sits.

He takes all this in within just a few seconds and makes his decision.

Pins and needles assault his legs as Ventus stands-though he's too focused to let that stop him-and whips out his own keyblade. It shines to life in his hands, heeding his call even after all this time.

He launches himself forward and towards Vanitas.

The boy, hidden beneath his helmet, just barely turns towards him and brings his own keyblade up in defense. Ventus isn't sure-not now that the helmet is back on-but he thinks he can sense surprise from Vanitas.

"Finally awake are you?" he says, mocking.

Ventus grits his teeth at the tone. "Never better." But it's as he brings his keyblade up in a reverse-ready position that he feels something… off. Vanitas looks ready enough to fight, he has his keyblade in hand and lifts it into a high stance. Still, Ventus doesn't get the same desperate desire for battle from him.

He thinks he must be wrong when Vanitas leaps towards him, and Aqua cries out in warning. Trading blows back and forth with Vanitas is going about as well as it had when they fought before. Ventus has been asleep too long and isn't used to having his body back yet.

Yet Vanitas never finishes the fight. He doesn't take any of the obvious chances to end it, and it makes Ventus think.

Vanitas actually seems to grow more and more desperate with each hit, like he's searching for something with them. Does he still want the same thing? He clearly has some sort of body, but maybe he's not like Ventus. Ventus had his half of their heart healed by Sora. Vanitas… what happened to him?

Ventus suddenly feels awful. What _had_ happened to Vanitas? Had he found somewhere safe? Or had Xehanort just dragged him back from the darkness, half-formed again?

"What's the matter?" Vanitas taunted, voice growling, but too high and desperate. "Not used to fighting anymore? Just give up."

The others shout encouragement at Ventus, but he can't listen to it.

Give up? "Give up what Vanitas?" Ventus asks, parrying a blow with a wind spell. "What do you want?"

"What I always have," he shouts back.

"You can't have it," the familiar boy chimes in. "His heart is not anyone else's to change."

"Stay out of it!"

His heart. Ventus feels like he's on the cusp of understanding, but he needs Vanitas to talk more.

Reaching deep within himself, Ventus pulls out a large spell, surrounding himself in pillars of light. Not able to get closer as they rotate and expand, it forces Vanitas to sink into a puddle of darkness and pop up beneath him.

Ventus, expecting and even hoping for it, blocks the strike and retaliates, landing a solid hit on Vanitas, keyblade still covered in residual light. Vanitas grunts and goes flying back from the hit.

Ventus presses his advantage, their keyblades locking as they stand face-to-face.

Ventus can't see the face of his other half, only imagine it as he stares at his own dim reflection in the black helmet. Still, he holds onto that vague idea in the back of his mind as he speaks, the one which tells him he might understand Vanitas if he just pushes a little harder.

"You don't have to do this," Ventus says. He tries to keep it quiet, but the strain as he pushes against Vanitas makes him pant out his words.

"Beat you?" Vanitas taunts.

"Fight," Ventus corrects, "Surround yourself in darkness just because someone else said to."

"No one else told me to," Vanitas scoffs. He pushes Ventus away and gets back into a ready position. "You really think that old man is the reason I'm fighting you? It's because this was destined. We're two parts of a whole, Ventus."

Truth and lies, woven together. Ventus is sure of it. Vanitas wants more than what Xehanort promised; It has to be the reason Vanitas kept bringing up the fact they belonged together.

So Ventus relaxes the grip on his keyblade and holds out a hand. Vanitas's keyblade lowers a fraction, his voiced shocked when he says, "What-?"

"You said it yourself, Vanitas. You aren't whole."

Vanitas pauses, then makes a _tsk_ sound, tone sneering. "And so what are you offering? Your precious light?"

"Yes," Ventus says. He feels a desperation as he reaches his hand out further. "You don't have to remain alone in darkness."

Vanitas laughs, sounding like the start of unhinged. "I _am_ darkness."

Ventus frowns, his hand subconsciously curling into a fist in frustration.

"And as if you care about your darkness-"

"I do!" he protests. "All you can seem to do is hurt other people, and yourself, over and over. Why…?"

He hears Aqua standing up in the background, and the wall starts to dissipate, letting the others begin to move in. Vanitas looks at them, then turns his attention back to Ventus one last time, hand lowering as a portal of darkness appears behind him.

"Well I don't care about anyone but myself," Vanitas says in a low voice, "even if no one else does."

"Do you?"

But Vanitas is already gone.

Ventus had learned love through his friends, learned to care about them, and through them, himself also. He had gained a sense of self new and separate from the one he'd held before being split.

He wants Vanitas to understand that, to be able to find it for himself. Because there is one thing Vanitas is right about: As half of the person they used to be, Ventus cares about him. He'd show his darkness what it meant to choose, eventually. And then, maybe, Vanitas could build himself into someone, and could love himself, too.

* * *

Right, so Vanitas has put himself and the path to his goals over almost everything else, to the point where he actually looses sight of what his true goal is: becoming whole. It makes him easy to manipulate, because all Xehanort has to do is prove himself more powerful, and offer Vanitas chances to fight Ventus.

Ventus, however, should definitely have gained some perspective while riding around in Sora's (and briefly Roxas's) heart. He should have felt the light and love aimed towards and received from others. He learned how to love (and just generally feel emotion) in BBS because others around him did, so that should have been amplified when he was just a heart.

Honestly, I feel the conflict between them was interesting enough that it's a shame it gets pushed to the end of the game with a brief cutscene. :/

But anyway, I sure you guys have your own opinions and theories on the whole thing. Feel free to share! :D


End file.
